Post by Mene Tekel on May 4, 2005 14:47:39 GMT -5
If I were a bum . . .
If worse comes to worse in my life, I may have to live on the street. It’s unlikely because I have a high school education, and can at least get a job licking toilets clean. But I always like to be prepared, so if I were a bum. . .
Well, first I would need a place to live. There are ditches all over my city for the monsoon season. Lots of other bums sleep there. But I don’t like competition, so that’s not likely. One benefit would be the ability to start a fire and not risk being caught. Also there is a lot of shelter, and basic things I could use to survive, such as shopping carts, cardboard boxes, birds (for food) and many other things. But what if it rains? Then I’m screwed. I’d better hope I can swim first.
I think my best bet for a place to live is a newspaper recycling receptacle. They are like giant dumpsters used specifically for newspapers. This way they don’t smell, they are dry, and since only old people and new age freaks recycle, they are pretty much left alone. I could build a little bed inside, and I’d have to learn the pickup schedule, otherwise I’d be the first hobo to be recycled.
Now that I’d have a house, so to speak, I’d need a job. Not a real job, I’m a bum remember? I could pan handle, or steal food from dumpsters, or sell drugs. Pan handling would probably be pretty good for me, cause people are too generous these days. Stealing food is gross. And I have no idea where to get drugs. It’s not like marijuana grows on trees!
Also, I’d want to look okay. I wouldn’t want to be so dirty and smelly that I’d scare people. No, I want to be a happy, healthy bum with lots of friends. Maybe that’s a lot to ask for, but nonetheless. . .
So on my first day, I’d pan handle outside a Wal-Mart until I had five bucks, then buy some clothes and a small pillow at Goodwill on the half-price weekend. Maybe I’d panhandle some more there too. Then I’d get a backpack, and a book to read. Trust me, being a bum will be boring sometimes. Finally, I’d get some toilet paper, and some free matches from a convenience store. The toilet paper I’d steal from a public restroom. It’d better be 2-ply.
After I had all my supplies, I’d go out and scope out my neighborhood. I’d want to know where I was, quick exits if something comes up, and places to get free stuff. Also, I’d be aware of construction sites, so I could sneak in their port-a-potties. Good toilets are hard to come by as a bum.
At the end of the day, I’d climb into my dumpster, curl up around some issues of USA TODAY, and light myself a candle or controlled fire.
Then I’d read my book by firelight until I fell asleep. A plus of being a bum is no bedtime! In the morning, I’d go around and have fun. I’d panhandle for lunch money, and get something healthy. My bum figure aint gonna stay that way forever! What specifically would I do? I dunno. Maybe I’d go to some school and laugh at those stupid kids getting an education. Maybe I’d act crazy and/or drunk. Scare some strangers just for kicks.
But bums have to be ready to travel at a minutes notice. I couldn’t pack heavy. I’d only take what I need or what I couldn’t get again. I’d keep everything in one backpack, or two, but not a whole shopping cart. If the cops came by, and I had to escape, I wouldn’t want this huge cart slowing me down. I’d only keep one book at a time. When I was done with one, I’d take it to a bookstore for a few bucks. If they wouldn’t take it, I’d use it as toilet paper or a fire starter. Maybe I’d panhandle enough for a pocket FM radio to listen to on lonely nights. Or when I’m bored.
Some bums have companions. Sometimes it’s other bums, and they start a whole bum colony. Something similar but different is called a hippie colony. The only reason it’s similar is both types of people don’t have jobs. Some bums have dogs the take with them on their travels. The dog is always named Boy or Girl, because most bums don’t have enough creativity or vocabulary to name it.
Without a job, or much of an entertainment system being a bum can be boring. That’s why all bums need a hobby. I’ve never seen a bum doing crochet, but that’s not what I’m talking about. I’m talking about hobbies that are actually available to bums. Like recycling. That’s profitable, just go around town collecting Sprite cans. It may not be as fun as Disney Land, but it’ll keep you busy. Also, I could meet a female bum and become ‘romantically involved’. But probably not. I don’t know about you, but when I come across two bums having sex it is the most disturbing thing in the world. Especially if they’re both male bums.
Another important thing all bums need is a reputation. Bums who don’t have reputations are just boring, worthless homeless people. They don’t even deserve to be called bums. I have several ‘bum reputation’ options available. I could be angry-swears-at-strangers-always-drunk-and-smells-like-pee bum. I could be miserable-woe-is-me-always-drunk bum. I could be happy-yet-sad-with-a-bum-family bum. That won’t work. I don’t have a family. I could also be crazy-as-a-nuthouse-rat-who-wears-underwear-on-his-head-and-asks-people-if-they’ve-seen-his-pet-flying-squirrel-and-talks-to-invisible-zombies-who-want-to-eat-him-but-he’s-too-strong-for-them-because-in-sixth-grade-he-beat-up-a-ninth-grader-who-had-a-switchblade-and-only-wants-to-ask-the-zombies-the-weather-and-always-drunk-but-you’re-never-able-to-tell-the-difference-when-he’s-sober bum. That one’s interesting. I could also be lazy-bum-who-falls-asleep-in-the-park-and-is-sometimes-drunk-and-feeds-pigeons-rice. I’m likely to get arrested for that. So I could be the stupid-bum-who-hates-being-a-bum-and-so-he-tries-to-get-a-job-and-steals-everything-but-is-so-stupid-he-gets-caught-doing-it-and-tries-to-run-but-he’s-so-stupid-he’s-dropping-stuff-as-he’s-running-and-he-can’t-run-very-fast-and-so-he-tries-to-lose-them-by-running-into-rush-hour-traffic-and-gets-flattened-by-a-Honda-Element bum. But I think I’ll be happy-bum-everyone-pities-but-knows-he’s-a-good-guy-and-so-they-try-to-help-him-but-he’s-too-proud-to-accept-help-which-in-reality-he-just-likes-being-a-bum-and-getting-free-money bum. At least I’d have friends. Something that you might have noticed is that nearly all these reputations include ‘always drunk’. I wonder why that is.
After that, I think I’d be all set. If I ever wanted to, I could try to get out of the situation I was in. Being a bum isn’t easy. There are gangs, cops, other bums, and strangers who hate you and will steal your hard earned money. Okay, hard given money. Everyday is a challenge. You’d never know if you were gonna get shot, or arrested, or spit on by strangers. That’s the point of this essay. To prepare myself if I ever became a bum. Or I really didn’t want to pay taxes anymore.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Anyone have anything to say if they were a bum?
the original page is here:
planettroy.tripod.com/bum.html
[glow=red,2,300]MENE TEKEL[/glow]
If worse comes to worse in my life, I may have to live on the street. It’s unlikely because I have a high school education, and can at least get a job licking toilets clean. But I always like to be prepared, so if I were a bum. . .
Well, first I would need a place to live. There are ditches all over my city for the monsoon season. Lots of other bums sleep there. But I don’t like competition, so that’s not likely. One benefit would be the ability to start a fire and not risk being caught. Also there is a lot of shelter, and basic things I could use to survive, such as shopping carts, cardboard boxes, birds (for food) and many other things. But what if it rains? Then I’m screwed. I’d better hope I can swim first.
I think my best bet for a place to live is a newspaper recycling receptacle. They are like giant dumpsters used specifically for newspapers. This way they don’t smell, they are dry, and since only old people and new age freaks recycle, they are pretty much left alone. I could build a little bed inside, and I’d have to learn the pickup schedule, otherwise I’d be the first hobo to be recycled.
Now that I’d have a house, so to speak, I’d need a job. Not a real job, I’m a bum remember? I could pan handle, or steal food from dumpsters, or sell drugs. Pan handling would probably be pretty good for me, cause people are too generous these days. Stealing food is gross. And I have no idea where to get drugs. It’s not like marijuana grows on trees!
Also, I’d want to look okay. I wouldn’t want to be so dirty and smelly that I’d scare people. No, I want to be a happy, healthy bum with lots of friends. Maybe that’s a lot to ask for, but nonetheless. . .
So on my first day, I’d pan handle outside a Wal-Mart until I had five bucks, then buy some clothes and a small pillow at Goodwill on the half-price weekend. Maybe I’d panhandle some more there too. Then I’d get a backpack, and a book to read. Trust me, being a bum will be boring sometimes. Finally, I’d get some toilet paper, and some free matches from a convenience store. The toilet paper I’d steal from a public restroom. It’d better be 2-ply.
After I had all my supplies, I’d go out and scope out my neighborhood. I’d want to know where I was, quick exits if something comes up, and places to get free stuff. Also, I’d be aware of construction sites, so I could sneak in their port-a-potties. Good toilets are hard to come by as a bum.
At the end of the day, I’d climb into my dumpster, curl up around some issues of USA TODAY, and light myself a candle or controlled fire.
Then I’d read my book by firelight until I fell asleep. A plus of being a bum is no bedtime! In the morning, I’d go around and have fun. I’d panhandle for lunch money, and get something healthy. My bum figure aint gonna stay that way forever! What specifically would I do? I dunno. Maybe I’d go to some school and laugh at those stupid kids getting an education. Maybe I’d act crazy and/or drunk. Scare some strangers just for kicks.
But bums have to be ready to travel at a minutes notice. I couldn’t pack heavy. I’d only take what I need or what I couldn’t get again. I’d keep everything in one backpack, or two, but not a whole shopping cart. If the cops came by, and I had to escape, I wouldn’t want this huge cart slowing me down. I’d only keep one book at a time. When I was done with one, I’d take it to a bookstore for a few bucks. If they wouldn’t take it, I’d use it as toilet paper or a fire starter. Maybe I’d panhandle enough for a pocket FM radio to listen to on lonely nights. Or when I’m bored.
Some bums have companions. Sometimes it’s other bums, and they start a whole bum colony. Something similar but different is called a hippie colony. The only reason it’s similar is both types of people don’t have jobs. Some bums have dogs the take with them on their travels. The dog is always named Boy or Girl, because most bums don’t have enough creativity or vocabulary to name it.
Without a job, or much of an entertainment system being a bum can be boring. That’s why all bums need a hobby. I’ve never seen a bum doing crochet, but that’s not what I’m talking about. I’m talking about hobbies that are actually available to bums. Like recycling. That’s profitable, just go around town collecting Sprite cans. It may not be as fun as Disney Land, but it’ll keep you busy. Also, I could meet a female bum and become ‘romantically involved’. But probably not. I don’t know about you, but when I come across two bums having sex it is the most disturbing thing in the world. Especially if they’re both male bums.
Another important thing all bums need is a reputation. Bums who don’t have reputations are just boring, worthless homeless people. They don’t even deserve to be called bums. I have several ‘bum reputation’ options available. I could be angry-swears-at-strangers-always-drunk-and-smells-like-pee bum. I could be miserable-woe-is-me-always-drunk bum. I could be happy-yet-sad-with-a-bum-family bum. That won’t work. I don’t have a family. I could also be crazy-as-a-nuthouse-rat-who-wears-underwear-on-his-head-and-asks-people-if-they’ve-seen-his-pet-flying-squirrel-and-talks-to-invisible-zombies-who-want-to-eat-him-but-he’s-too-strong-for-them-because-in-sixth-grade-he-beat-up-a-ninth-grader-who-had-a-switchblade-and-only-wants-to-ask-the-zombies-the-weather-and-always-drunk-but-you’re-never-able-to-tell-the-difference-when-he’s-sober bum. That one’s interesting. I could also be lazy-bum-who-falls-asleep-in-the-park-and-is-sometimes-drunk-and-feeds-pigeons-rice. I’m likely to get arrested for that. So I could be the stupid-bum-who-hates-being-a-bum-and-so-he-tries-to-get-a-job-and-steals-everything-but-is-so-stupid-he-gets-caught-doing-it-and-tries-to-run-but-he’s-so-stupid-he’s-dropping-stuff-as-he’s-running-and-he-can’t-run-very-fast-and-so-he-tries-to-lose-them-by-running-into-rush-hour-traffic-and-gets-flattened-by-a-Honda-Element bum. But I think I’ll be happy-bum-everyone-pities-but-knows-he’s-a-good-guy-and-so-they-try-to-help-him-but-he’s-too-proud-to-accept-help-which-in-reality-he-just-likes-being-a-bum-and-getting-free-money bum. At least I’d have friends. Something that you might have noticed is that nearly all these reputations include ‘always drunk’. I wonder why that is.
After that, I think I’d be all set. If I ever wanted to, I could try to get out of the situation I was in. Being a bum isn’t easy. There are gangs, cops, other bums, and strangers who hate you and will steal your hard earned money. Okay, hard given money. Everyday is a challenge. You’d never know if you were gonna get shot, or arrested, or spit on by strangers. That’s the point of this essay. To prepare myself if I ever became a bum. Or I really didn’t want to pay taxes anymore.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Anyone have anything to say if they were a bum?
the original page is here:
planettroy.tripod.com/bum.html
[glow=red,2,300]MENE TEKEL[/glow]
